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Colleen Kettenhofen is a Phoenix, Arizona motivational speaker on managing people, effective leadership, dealing with difficult people, and presentation
skills. She has spoken in 47 states and six countries for top corporations and associations since 1995. She is contributing author of “The Masters of Success,” featured on
NBC’s Today Show and Fox News. Colleen is available for keynotes, breakout sessions, training and seminars.
No-Nonsense Techniques for
Dealing with Negativists
(aka Whiners and Complainers)
Written by Colleen Kettenhofen
“The happiest people are those who are too busy
to notice whether they are or not.”
William Feather
Who are the difficult people in your life? Do you have to work or live with negativists, whiners and complainers? They are one of the most common difficult
personalities in the workforce today.
Negativists: Believe it or not, research shows negativists have a strong need to be liked. They think that by complaining about how much work they have to do,
they’ll gain empathy from others. Notice how these people often spend more time complaining than working? “Busy doing nothing” is how people typically describe the whiner
in my seminars.
It pays to be tactfully direct with the negativist. For example, saying to them, “Chris, I realize this is something you want to talk about, and at the same time I
want to make sure I get back to work.” Usually these whiners and complainers will move on to a more “captive audience.” Another key phrase is to say, “Chris, I want to bring
something to your attention. You may not realize it, but when you come in here first thing at 8:00 a.m. and complain about our new policy, it’s beginning to look like a lot of
negativity. I just wanted to mention it to you because you may not be aware of how you’re perceived.” (Read on for more details regarding tone of voice.) And make certain never
to criticize via email. There is not “tone” in an email message. They may be fully aware. Explain it to them anyway.
Negativists want to whine to people who will “buy in” to what they’re complaining (or gossiping) about. When that happens, you’ve now got two individuals
“feeding” off of each other. The people who allow the complainer to take over the conversation feel angry with themselves afterward for allowing it to happen. They sense they
enabled the behavior because they’re “people pleasers” who can’t say no. If this is you, it pays to practice role-playing with a friend who can give you honest feedback. How did
you come across? Were you too tentative or too aggressive? What did your body language and tone of voice say about you? Remember, in face-to-face communication, body
language accounts for 55% of what others believe about you. Tone of voice accounts for 38% and actual words only 7%..
As a former manager, I used to tell my employees to be “tactfully” direct with a negative coworker. I certainly did speak privately with the difficult employee, but
my subordinates also had to do their part. Be careful not to internalize everything these difficult people say to you. Often there is something going on with them. As a result,
they’ve decided to take it out on everyone else! Remember, misery loves company.
Consider writing your true feelings about this difficult individual in a journal. Make certain to leave it in your car. This is not the kind of documentation you would
want them to see! When you arrive home, tear up the pages or burn them. This signals that you are not letting their behavior affect you. The person who consistently angers
you…controls you.
December 30, 2004
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